We inform you that under federal law 69 U.S.C. §1234 (<)(3), you have been placed under investigation for suspicious and fraudulent activity. The list of charges includes daily trading of inexplicable rotten web coins, shrinking your bags every hour, saying «we are so back» and never actually being back, and upsetting your mom.

You are advised to cooperate fully with law enforcement authorities. Failure to comply may result in leaking your Reddit search history.

Sincerely,
Your Personal FBI Agent